ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
