I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
