Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
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Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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