im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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