if you like me you must not know who I am
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
