you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
