this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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