dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i already hear my dad disowning me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
