i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
