Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
