I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
