I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
