she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry about my life...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
