at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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