in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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