I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Everything about him screamed your future.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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