Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
