So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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