My first STD was from a foam party
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
