just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
