so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
