Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
