so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
