That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
