why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
