sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dicks are not precious.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
