Already got asked if we're dating
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
