What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
