There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
