She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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