Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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