pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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