Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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