i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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