don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
