We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
