I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
