Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
