and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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