Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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