uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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