I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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