My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
