I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
