what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
