Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
