You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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