Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
