exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
