I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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