My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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