I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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