Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
