I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
