I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
