I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
