I'm gonna have a badass scar
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
