I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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