1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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