i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
