Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
please don't ironically join a cult
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