Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
