so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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